E3 is Over, But We Will Always Have This Man’s Beard

E3 2019 is officially in the books. There were some legitimate surprises, new hardware, new games, etc…

But what I’m going to remember most is that beard from the Xbox briefing. I don’t know if I should be impressed or frightened by it. It’s unnerving yet mesmerizing. I CAN’T STOP STARING AT IT.

If one was juvenile and fanboyish enough to declare a winner of E3, then it is clearly Xbox, by virtue of this man’s beard.

Bethesda Turns the Violence and Gore to Glorious New Levels at E3 2019

Bethesda announced some cool shit at their E3 2019 press conference last night, but two games in particular really blew me away.

There is nothing hotter than two smokes blowing away Nazis in the most over the top violent way possible.

Wolfenstein: Youngblood, which launches on July 26 on the XBox One, PS4, Nintendo Switch, and PC stars the BJ Blazkowicz’s daughters, Jess and Soph, as they search for their missing dad, while killing every Nazi who gets in their way.

There’s a cool wrinkle also thrown in, where you can play the came solo as one sister while the other backs you up as your AI wing man, or you can play with your friend in co-op.

Also shown off yesterday at Bethesda’s news conference was more gameplay of Doom Eternal.

Really, what more can you say about this? There’s a bit more story and character development this time, but chainsawing demons with extreme prejudice never gets old. This time, you’ll be able to kill hell-spawn on earth, heaven, and hell. Ronnie James Dio would be happy.

Dio approves.

If dismembering the spawn of hell is your jam, then you’ll will get the chance to do so when Doom Eternal launches on November 22.

Microsoft Kick-Offs E3 2019 With Sexy New Xbox Hardware, Games, Services

Microsoft kicked off E3 2019 on Sunday announcing plenty of games, but know what’s sexier than games. HARDWARE! Hot sexy hardware makes my blood boil, in good way.

Good stuff. Who doesn’t like POWER and short load times.

Project Scarlett comes out in the Fall of 2020, and by then Microsoft will have come up a terribly convoluted name. My money is on Microsoft Xbox One X-2 The Ocho.

Oh, and when the Scarlett comes out, you can become reacquainted with an old friend:

But wait, there more! I’ve been hankering for a new Xbox One Elite controller, which I love, but I’ve heard rumours that a new version was in development. Well here you go:

The Series 2 Elite controller, which you can pre-order today will last 40 hours on a single charge. The unit ships with a charging dock and costs a ridiculous $179.99. This thing is over-engineered and stupid expensive, and I want it so bad it hurts. I just pre-ordered mine because I have no fucking self control.

Of course there are games to be had as well, and new ways to play them on Project xCloud. Microsoft did not have a ton to say about xCloud, but what they did talk about looked promising. The best part, we’ll be able to try it out this October.

Like the Google Stadia, xCloud will let you play Xbox titles across multiple devices, whether its phones, tablets, TVs or computers. Unlike Stadia, xCloud will also allow you to stream games directly from your own local Xbox.

Yes, Sony did do this with PlayStation Remote Play, but that was pretty shitty. Hopefully Microsoft’s solution will be better.

As for games, there was plenty announced as well as Gears of War 5 (launching September 10) which everyone knew about, but looks good nonetheless. Kait is still a smoke.

Lastly, there’s Keanu…

Keanu is a national treasure. I’d buy Cyberpunk 2077 just because of Keanu. He’s so wise, like an American Buddha. Cyberpunk 2077, from CD Projekt’s Cyberpunk 2077, launches April 16, 2020.

As for the rest of games well, here’s a handy list…

  • Bleeding Edge
  • Ori and the Will of the Wisps
  • Minecraft Dungeons
  • Blair Witch
  • Keanu Reeves In Cyberpunk 2077
  • Spiritfarer
  • Battletoads
  • RPGTime: The Legend of Wright
  • Microsoft Flight Simulator
  • Age of Empires 2 Definitive Edition
  • Wasteland 3
  • Lego Star Wars The Skywalker Saga
  • Dragon Ball Z Project Z Action RPG
  • 12 Minutes
  • Way To The Woods
  • Forza Horizon 4 Lego Speed Champions
  • Gears Pop
  • State of Decay 2: Heartland
  • Phantasy Star Online 2
  • Crossfire X
  • Tales of Arise
  • Borderlands: Commander Lillith and the fight for Sanctuary
  • Ring of Eldin

All in all, a fun Sunday and good stuff coming to fans of the Xbox.

Samuel L. Jackson To Co-Host E3 Mother F-ing Live Tomorrow

Samuel L. Jackson, who is cool and terrifying at the same time, will be co-hosting Geoff Keighley’s E3 Live presentation on YouTube this year.

Jackson, who is a cool and frighteningly intimidating will be replacing former Nintendo of America president Reggie Fils-Aime as co-host, who is also frightening and intimidating.

Microsoft’s Xbox E3 Game Line-Up is So Big It’s Gonna Make You Puke

Not Phil Spencer

Phil Spencer is going to be talking about GAMES, GAMES, GAMES at Microsoft’s E3 press conference this year.

As I mentioned, Microsoft has a real opportunity to steal the show. Hopefully they don’t fuck it up.

[Source: Twitter]

Meatheads with Chainsaw Guns 5 (aka Gears of War 5) to be Showcased at E3 2019

Microsoft is pretty much going to have E3 2019 to themselves, so they better make the best of it. So we’re going to get treated to some Gears of War 5 stuff at the Xbox press event on June 9.

Look. I like Gears of War. I was 26 when the the original was launched, kicking off the franchise. I was a big dumb meathead back then, so the game really resonated with me. 14 years later, I’ve blossomed into my dad bod, so I cannot really relate to these characters anymore.

I do like the idea of playing as Kait Diaz this time around. Playing as the same old meatheads with guns was getting stale. Also Kait is a badass and smokeshow, so bonus.

Fact: Badass and Smokeshow

[Source: Twitter]