Guardians Are Real and They Are Here to Serve

I’m too old to serve in the military now, even though I feel like I could still kick ass with overpowering old man strength and my rudimentary understanding of jiu-jitsu. If I were just a few years younger, perhaps I could have been a real life Guardian in the United States Space Force.

GUARDIANS: A NAME CHOSEN BY SPACE PROFESSIONALS, FOR SPACE PROFESSIONALS… Also, a name for magical space wizards.

I said my peace and I’m not going to make fun anymore. I support all members of the armed forces, whether they fight on land, sea, air, or space.

[Source: Twitter]

PS5s Are Getting Jacked Mad Max Style in the UK

Next generation consoles like the the Playstation 5 are in incredibly high demand. I consider myself lucky to have secured not just a Playstation 5 but also an Xbox Series X at retail, but many are not so lucky.

You need to be persistent and have a quick trigger finger to nab one. Or you can pay a scalper a premium if you have a lot of disposable income. If grand larceny is more your thing, you can jack a shipment of PS5s off of a moving truck.

According to The Times in the UK:

“Gangs are mounting car bonnets to break into fast-moving lorries… Consignments of Playstations, TVs, cosmetics, mobile phones and cigarettes have all been raided in recent months as the thieves use a range of tactics…

The raids involve gangs using at least three cars to box in a moving lorry at speeds of up to 50mph. One thief climbs out, usually secured by a rope, through a sunroof or modified hatch. The thief uses cutting tools or a crowbar to force open the rear doors before leaping aboard…”

The Times
Scotland Yard has released this image of the prime suspects.

You know 2020 is bad when criminals are resorting to tactics employed in movies portraying our future as a dystopian wasteland.

[Source: The Times]

Researchers Predict that Gamers Will Look Like Mutated Freaks in Twenty Short Years

This handsome fella is what gamers will look like in twenty years.

According to The Mirror (lol) by way of researchers from OnlineCasino.ca (who?) gamers are going to look like mutated freaks.

The Mirror

According to the researchers from OnlineCasino.ca,

“The visualisation shows that Michael has pale and pasty skin from years of being in artificial light and the result of lack of Vitamin D and B-12. He has stress-related eczema across his legs and arms and a permanently bent back from poor posture.”

A condition that slowly develops over time, a hyperextended neck, rounded shoulders and hunchback will start as a dull pain occasionally and work its way from your neck to your hands and back as the strains slowly create a bend in the neck which creates the hunchback.

“This is caused by elongated periods of time sitting in uncomfortable positions without stretching or counteracting with regular exercise.”

OnlineCasino.ca

Sorry folks, but I call bullshit. I’m 40 years old, and have been gaming for nearly 35 years, and I’m a stud.

My secret? Eat right, exercise, and everything in moderation.

[Source: OnlineCasino.ca via The Mirror]

A Bear Named Cheeseburger is Causing Havoc in Colorado—New York Post is Oblivious

A bear in Colorado named Cheeseburger is fucking shit up. Gamers and potheads are in on the joke, but the New York Post is totally clueless.

The bear in the video above is trying to get into a dumpster owned by a marijuana shop. When that proved unsuccessful, he just rolls the entire damn thing into the street.

The bear is a regular, so the shop’s workers named him Cheesburger. This is an obvious nod to the friendly and badass bear from Far Cry 5. No word yet if the shop plans to train the bear and take him on adventures, but that would be awesome.

[Source: New York Post]

Mike Tyson Just Recently Learned That Capcom Stole His Likeness for Street Fighter II

Iron Mike Tyson was a childhood hero of mine. He was a larger than life boxer who amazed me with his brutal knockouts. I was devastated when he was knocked out by fat piece of fucking shit Buster Douglas. When Tyson was sent to prison, I was destroyed.

Turns out, this amazing boxer had a lot of inner demons and it’s good to see that he received help and has mellowed…bit. I admit, I’m still a fan of my flawed childhood hero. He will always be the champ in my book. Also, no doubt that this is man you don’t want to fuck with.

I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice?

With that said, ESPN recently interviewed the former champ and asked him if he knew if Balrog, from Street Fighter II was based off of him. Turns out, Tyson had no idea.

Overall, it’s a great interview, where Tyson plays Mario Kart 8 Deluxe and talks about Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

The Champ takes it in stride jokingly mentioning a lawsuit.

It could be worse. He could have went berserk and told the interviewer that he was a fucking piece of shit and then bit his ear off.

[Source: ESPN]

Pakistani Politicians Having a Tough Time With Social Media Lately, Apparently Don’t Play Grand Theft Auto 5

Shaukat Yousafzai

I hate to shit on Pakistan’s politicians when Washington DC is pretty much a festering dumpster fire. Regardless of which party you’re affiliated with, American politics is a fucking joke right now. This is FACT. I only WISH American politicians had the same issues of their Pakistani counterparts.

Take Shaukat Yousafzai (see above), who conducted a press conference with a Snapchat on. He at least took the entire incident in stride.

Khurram Nawaz Gandapur

Not to be outdone, secretary general of the Pakistan Awami Tehreek political party, Khurram Nawaz Gandapur, also had a bit of an embarrassing incident on social media recently. Mr. Gandapur tweeted about a miraculous near miss, when a courageous airline pilot pulled off some Top Gun level shit to evade an oil rig meandering onto the the runway.

“Narrow escape of an aircraft which could have ended in a great disaster. Miraculous save by the pilot’s presence of mind…”

Khurram Nawaz Gandapur – Twitter

Miraculous indeed. Just imagine how many San Andreans may have died if it wasn’t for this pilot having balls as big as Chesley Burnett “Sully” Sullenberger III’s.

Bizarre Chun Li Music Video Reminds Me of the Time I Ate Peyote and Went on a Vision Quest

I’m not going to pretend to know what is going on here. The video is obviously vintage, so I reckon it came out during OG Street Fighter 2.

Attractive girl singing to Chun Li’s theme, while dressed as Chun Li.

I don’t understand it, but my spirit animal approves.

[Source: Twitter]