When I was a young boy, around the age of 9 or 10, I used to dream of one day being rich and powerful. I wasn’t just going to be your run-of-the-mill wealthy mind you, but obscenely, filthy, Bond villain-esque, Middle Eastern sheikh wealthy.

I actually used to watch The Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous and think, one day that will be me, but I wasn’t just going to own boring yachts, jets, and private islands, I was going to own a flying yacht that could turn into a private island. Hot supermodel quality guards would also staff my flying, floating, private island paradise, because when 10-year-old boys think of anything, it inevitably devolves into sex… and boobies.

I vividly recall drawing extensive diagrams of some of my various yachts, jets, and mansions that I would one day own during my free time at grade school. Of course, as the years went by, I didn’t become insanely wealthy, and this memory started to fade away. That is, until recently.

All these old memories began to bubble back up to the surface again after logging in a lot of hours in Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain and seeing my Mother Base in the Seychelles expand from one platform into many interconnected structures that stretched out into the horizon in all directions.

At first, I found this concept to be ridiculous, but as my base grew in size and function, the 9-year-old boy in my subconscious began to take notice. This imaginary base, out in the great blue sea is the stuff that dreams are made of.  Growing this base became not just a small part of this sprawling, complex game, but an obsession.

There is just one small problem. Mother Base in Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain is a bit too industrial and militaristic for my tastes. I’m older now and more experienced. Industrial orange paint and no frills sensibility is fine for Big Boss, Revolver Ocelot, and a private mercenary force, but I require something more refined.

That is why I was delighted to find out that building a private floating island like Mother Base was not just possible, but it didn’t have to look like an offshore oil rig. BEHOLD!

Migaloo, an Australian company that apparently builds luxury submarines and submersibles for the insanely wealthy will also build for you what they call a Kokomo Ailand, which is a private floating habitat based on semi-submersible platforms. It’s just like Mother Base, but with CLASS!

Go ahead and take a gander at the promotional video below, and do your best to not fuck the first person you see when you hear the sweet sounds of generic porn music that accompanies it.

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So what exactly are you getting with you purchase your very own Kokomo Ailand? LUXURY, that’s what! See below:

• Private owners penthouse 80 M above sea level
• Jungle deck with palm trees and vertical gardens
• Beach deck with entertainment pool & barbecue area
• Garden deck with al-fresco outdoor dining
• Spa deck with spa and beauty saloons
• Large pool areas and waterfalls
• Two beach clubs including beach gym
• Underwater dining saloon, shark-feeding station (No mention if the sharks have frickin’ laser beams.)
• Outdoor cinema
• Helideck
• Massive storage for tender & toys

Eat your heart out Diamond Dogs. Mother Base sounds like a total shit hole compare to this place.

I especially like the last bullet point stating that Kokomo Ailand has massive storage for tender and toys. I’m assuming that the folks are referring to massive stockpiles of cash when they say tender. I’m talking Scrooge McDuck, swimming in massive piles of tender.

It also goes without saying that when you have your own Ailand, pesky laws that regular losers have to follow on the mainland simply do not apply when you’re in international waters. Go ahead and eat an endangered species like a Galapagos sea turtle then do massive amounts of blow of a hooker’s ass. Who’s going to stop you?

All in all, I like how there is no mention on how much it actually costs to purchase your very own Kokomo Ailand on the Migaloo website. Well, as the old saying goes, if you have to ask how much it costs, then you can’t afford it.